Dear World,

I have written my heart below, sharing one of the most special experiences in loving I have had with an animal. Jasper. He was extraordinary. There are three parts to my story of him. I invite you, if not plead with you to read to the end, as it has its own epic loop. The third part is a report by a truly gifted Animal communicator who shares Jasper’s experience of dying through his ‘words’, and his sharing his experience of being a ‘soul’, and the freedom of the eternal and his awareness to greater expansion. It is inspiring, if not heartbreaking for me on the human level of loss. We know animals are each part of their group soul until they are ready to individuate. He is well on his way to higher consciousness. I knew it while with him in the physical, and I know it now in the spirit. I am on the road traveling and processing his loss, and translating my experience of loving him to the spirit, knowing I will not again kiss or pet him. But, I am clear to share him with as big a world as I can. It helps my heart. Enjoy him.

I love you.

JASPER, January 28, 2017

Not All Who Wander Are Lost…JRR Tolkien

There is something about this Black cat. He wanders and yet he is not lost. I discovered him almost two years ago now. I would see him in our back yard. Our back yard is full of life. Full of birds, many flocks of birds, raccoon, possum, an occasional mountain lion, fox, coyote, ground squirrels, squirrels, and then this small black panther-like cat with piercing large golden eyes. I think I fell in love the first time I saw him. I am somewhat concerned that I really do mean I fell in love. I started putting food out for him not knowing what animal would get it. Occasionally I would see him eating it and the feeling of joy would overcome me. I began to track him. In other words, I was acutely aware of him and began looking for him. One day I came out our back door and he was sitting on the roof of the garage staring at me. I felt an intense connection and I knew the connection was mutual. He began to come around more. Eerily we began to come upon each other suddenly and we would just stop, freeze, and we would look at each other, fully taking in something mysterious and mesmerizing. I would softly speak loving words which I could tell he absorbed. My husband now noticed him and occasionally would report that he had claimed a bird dinner from amongst our flocks. I found myself understanding and being glad he had found something to eat. I must admit seeing him fly by the back of the house with a dangling baby ground squirrel tested my affections, but only briefly. He was teaching me something.

Jasper, our Guardian Angel
King Jasper

I decided to feed him just outside the back yard sliding glass door. I fed our cats on the inside of this door, and the black cat on the outside to see how the exposure to each other might go. I soon slid open the glass door and only a screen door remained between them, so if they chose to smell or do a dance, they could. My cats were inside cats as they were very domestic and I questioned their survival skills. They all proved curious. It was fun to see them relate. For now it seems relatively benign separated by a secure screen.

I was looking for a name for her or him. I could not get close to see which this was. I decided it was a girl because there was something so extraordinarily vulnerable about this cat and I sensed it was very sweet and even longing for connection. My heart was so involved and would leap with happy when my eyes would spot who soon became named Jasper. My husband named this creature Jasper and I looked it up. Jasper is masculine. Jasper is a Persian name and it means ‘bearer of Treasure’ and Jasper was the name of one of the Three Wise Men bearing gifts to the baby Christ. Aha. Good name certainly if proved a boy.

Slowly over time I began to watch Jasper’s habits and as he increasingly appeared to appreciate the food left for him twice a day and all of the sweet words caressing him up close and from afar. He began to come closer. My husband now as well had taken up the gauntlet of loving him. At feeding time, Jasper began to roll over in the dirt nearest the door, and the food, and it seemed an invitation. John and I at separate times would gently approach and soon we would be able to touch him and then he would dart away. I began to wonder where his gorgeous wild self would go in between breakfast and dinner. Where would he come from before breakfast. Where would he go after dinner.

Jasper, our Guardian Angel
Jasper, our Guardian Angel

I would see him on the top of walls, coming out of dense luscious undergrowth and flowers in the garden. I began to see him stretched like a languorous panther, noble and royal near the bird feeders and expressing no hunting behavior. I began to experience that he was feeling welcome as I would call his name when I left the house, when I returned and anywhere in between. I was sending love messages into the air hoping he would be bathed in them wherever he was listening. I knew, just knew, he was close at hand. He was wild and free and yet he was somehow beginning to return the loving. I could feel it in his soft looks and his rolling on his back in the dirt. He was now, after a year, allowing us to pet him and he was loving it. He began to put out his paw on our hand to say, please don’t stop. He now gives us his belly and his body to stroke to our hearts content. Occasionally he willingly allows me to pick him up and he does not resist at all. He nestles his head into the nape of my neck and I kiss him and whisper tender lullabies to him and he purrs so endearingly, not moving wanting it to last.

I love seeing him use our back yard as a giant kitty box. After relieving himself in the dirt amongst the flowers, he covers it with good manners. Not so long ago we discovered he was a boy. It was clear by the long scar on his belly that whatever was done was not so nicely done. He has not had an easy life and he carries a lonely quality.

One day my husband and I put a collar on him with a lovely crown shaped tag bearing the name of our other male cat. Something changed in Jasper with that collar. He loves it. He acts like he knows that now he has a family. He belongs to a family. He belongs to our hearts. He owns it and he acts like it. We now close off the upstairs bedroom from the other cats and leave a window open for him. He either sleeps outside our bedroom window each night awaiting his morning Jasper greeting and massage, or he comes in through the window and carefully roams and explores our room. If it is storming he sleeps near our bed on a soft mat for him. We honor him for his wandering as sometimes he leaves for a day or two and I fret missing him knowing he is in the wild. I know that we are blessed with his presence however much he chooses to give himself to us. We get the blessing of loving him. When he returns, he knows deeply he belongs and for the moment he has reached a destination.

JASPER…August 8, 2017

My dearest animal friend has passed

Jasper, my dearest animal friend, has passed into Spirit by the grace of the coyote. Being in the home of the Traveler, profoundly cherished by myself and by John, with loving and respect for his freedom to come and go through our bedroom window, and then being ‘slain’ is a teaching story. It is not arbitrary. Jasper is teaching me something and I feel it, I know it. My heart is raw, hurt, aching and receptive and eager to learn the message.
You see Jasper was a wild cat, a ferrel cat. He was black, all black with golden green startling eyes of acute instinctive intelligence. He had the willingness to look directly at you and hold the look with genuine connection. He was noble and wherever he was, you sensed a unique awareness. He was riveting to me. He moved like silk and velvet. Stealthy but available, furtive but longing to touch. He had very long needle-like talons, and front paws that moved at the speed of light.
The first time I really saw him, other than flash appearances in our large and wild garden, was on top of the garage staring intently at me. He was in Sphinx position. It was electric. I was frozen, staring back at him. I think in that moment, a moment still alive in my memory, I fell in love with him.

Jasper: Napping in peace
Jasper: Napping in peace

He began to appear in all sorts of places. The roof, outside a window, the top of the driveway wall, in a tree. With a year of loving and nurturing up close, and from afar when respectful distance was what he needed, he eventually became our nighttime companion. He slept with us and embraced the incredible amounts of cuddling and petting and fun we shared each evening. We passed through the stage of his nighttime delivery of ‘presents’ and the colorful and gooey messes on our white carpet in the morning. He learned through our love and consistency, that HE himself was the present he was bringing to us. It took some discipline and some direct coaxing. Our message was that he could relax and learn that we felt blessed by him alone, and the rest he could leave outside. He finally got it after our many run-ins with live mice and rats.

Many months followed of joyful time together that filled my heart. There was little I wanted to do more than be around him. The connection was so powerful for me that it was mysterious. I often found him sleeping on my pillow throughout the day. A relief I am sure, from having to hunt to survive and being on constant vigilance from the abundant wildlife around our property. He was peaceful and happy and he was claiming our home as a welcome home for him. I loved going up to our room many times a day with any excuse just to see him and kiss him. Every time I saw his panther beauty on my white pillow, my heart lifted up in happiness. I felt that he was God’s special gift for me. I would lean down, my hair falling over his blackness, and respectfully encircle him with my arm. He often reached out his paw, pull in his nails and pat my cheek or lick my hand until it was really clean. He opened a deep and truly innocent and joyful place in my heart. He restored this place in me. My truest self.

Jasper: The Blessing and loving of John
The Traveler has my little guy

I thrilled that he received my loving with no resistance. He trusted me and except for John, he trusted no one else. I trusted him with my heart and I surrendered to his beingness completely. It was so wonderful being all open in my heart. I loved kissing him on his sweet head. I loved his noble head. I would whisper into all his cells with intent, ‘Jasper boy, I love you, God bless you, Peace be still’. I know he loved my voice and my talking to him in full conversation. I often prayed over him and asked Jesus if Jasper could be his Christ kitty, and be protected in the wild. When he would come in through his window, he loved stretching out full length and sort of slide along the carpet towards me, and turn his head upside down and look at me. I would get down on the floor and stretch out long like him, gently slide towards him and turn my head upside down look at him, reach out and hold his paw. And we would just look at each other. It was a grand Romance.

I was concerned about leaving for two weeks for work with my husband, as I knew Jasper and my rhythm was so mutually personal, and all of a sudden I would not be there. I told him all about our trip and tried to describe the nights we would be gone. I called several communicators who work with animals to tell him I am coming home to him, and arranged for the window to stay open and food placed every day. We have a lovely friend who cares for our home and other cats while we are away. Still I was unsettled. Evidently he came several times early on in the trip and then suddenly he did not show up at all. When I came home, it was a strange energy of pure void, pure emptiness. His life force was not anywhere. Not on our roof, our garden, our bedroom. Gone. Empty. I cried. I could not accept his loss. I missed him so. Several communicators felt he had been adopted in a home…but he was too wild. I knew that would not work well with his spirit as he could not be content incarcerated in a home, no matter how comfortable or well fed he might be. I felt his complete need for freedom and I felt his need to connect and be loved and to love. But I could not yet face the fullness of his possible death.

Jasper: After receiving a Love Massage
Jasper: After receiving a Love Massage

We were coming home from dinner at dusk a few days after our return, and on our lawn was a very relaxed coyote, sitting in a remarkable pose of ease and self possession. He was beautiful. He got up and did an amazing thing. Something Jasper did all the time, a double downward dog…forward and backward. I had not seen a dog do this, let alone a coyote and had not seen even cats do the depth of stretch in this way that Jasper had. I was taken aback and something in my psyche was taking note…was this a sign. He then trotted right in front of us.

And I dreamed of Jasper, and soon John told me he was in spirit and I let go with immense grief. It is not over. I am being altered by him, by this experience. What I realize that Jasper shared with me was his pure nature. His utter loving from every cell of his being, and his love of his freedom. He loved that open window. It was his window to come and go. His freedom respected, his nature trusted and respected, and his loving heart was certain and respected.

He is teaching me about death, the eternal spirit we all share, man and animal, and he is teaching me about the integrity of authenticity he demonstrated to honor who you truly are, and the adventure to enter new experience with trust and courage and willingness… explore, learn, grow and expand.

I want to share what singular event has set me on my new course to learn from this with every fiber of my being. His loss has been a great cost and I want it to be fertile for us both….It is the following report.
In the midst of my unknowing of where he was, I reached out to a very special woman Sue Irwin, an animal communicator, well trained by a master, Carol Gurney. I told her of my confusion and fear and asked her to communicate with him. I was open to all possibilities and I trusted her to ‘find’ him. I knew she would.

Here is the report she sent me. I found it profound, heartbreaking for me, but it has set me into a transformation whether I liked it or not. Loss of a loved one is like walking the sharp edge of a knife and you must learn to walk, but it hurts with every step.

 JASPER, August 7, 2017

Jasper’s love and words for Leigh

Hi Leigh:

I spoke with Jasper today, and I do feel he has indeed passed out of his physical body. I am so sorry to tell you this by email, but I think you wanted to know as soon as possible. I will be happy to go over my session with him with you on the phone, but I think you are not home right now so it might be difficult for us to get a time to talk. What I have done is typed up my transcript of my session with Jasper so you can know what he told me and hear his messages and not have to wait; it is attached. Please let me know if you have any questions and of course we can also talk about this when you have some time.

Please also know there is always a possibility I can be wrong about this; so if you want to keep your window open in case he is still in his body and wants to come in, please do so.

I hope this helps. This is really an awful thing to be dealing with when you have to be seeing to other obligations and helping others; my heart really goes out to you.

My best,


Communication with Jasper
Monday, August 7, 2017

Note from Sue: Animals communicate with thoughts, which I translate into words; also with images and feelings: both emotional and physical. I also sometimes get sounds and odors. You’ll see places in this transcript where I may refer to Images, Sounds, Odors and Feelings – these are the ‘Notes from Sue’

Sue, Animal Communicator: Jasper, Leigh told me you haven’t come home for about 10 days – can you tell me why?
Jasper: I am only able to come in spirit.

Sue: Does this mean you are no longer in your physical body?
Jasper: Yes, I am out of my body.

Sue: Can you tell me what happened?
Jasper: I made a mistake – I walked into something when I should have stayed away.

Sue: What did you walk into?
Image from Jasper: Jasper investigating a dark hole – in the ground – sort of in an embankment.
Jasper: I was “pounced on” from behind; gone quickly (I had the sense he was picked up in a creature’s mouth and shaken very hard; his neck snapped).

Sue: Do you know what it was that did this to you?
Note from Sue: I had the sense of an acrid odor – very gamey, bitter; then I had the sense this odor was the breath of the animal that pounced on him.

Sue: Did this happen at night?
Jasper: At “dusk”. It was something bigger than me.
Note from Sue: I got the sense of something grayish/blackish in color.
Jasper: It was strong.

Sue: Did it hurt?
Note from Sue: I had the sense of a very quick, sharp pain, then he was gone.
Then I flew out of my body.
Note from Sue: I had the sense of his spirit jumping out of his body.

Sue: Where did you go?
Jasper: I “hovered” for a bit, looking down.

Sue: What did you see?
Image from Jasper: a dog-like body with Jasper’s body

Sue: Can you show me what it looked like in the area where this happened?
Image from Jasper:  A fence.
Note from Sue: The kind with thin upright slats close together with wire behind the slats, holding it together – it was sagging in places and looked old; this happened in a rocky, sandy area in a sort of culvert or depression in the land.

Sue: Where you close to home?
Jasper: Not far
Note from Sue: I had the sense of about ½ mile or less.

Sue: Where there any other critters around?
Jasper: No
Note from Sue: The term “lone wolf” came to my mind; he meant this was one creature off by itself.

Sue: Where did you spirit go next?
Jasper: I knew what had happened
Note from Sue: Meaning he knew he had passed out of his body; sometimes when something happens very quickly it takes an animal a bit of time to realize they are no longer in their physical body; it seemed Jasper did know right away he was no longer in his body. I then had the sense of Jasper flying in spirit over his home – your house.

Sue: Where are you now?
Jasper: I go between
Note from Sue: Meaning he has gone between your home and the spiritual plane.
I would like to say goodbye to Leigh.

Sue: Can you tell me what she needs to do this with you; to connect to you?
Jasper: Sit quietly; close her eyes, I will appear.

Sue: Should she do this when she is at home?
Jasper: I can appear to her from any place, but home would work best for her.

Sue: What would you like me to tell her for you?
Note from Sue: It seemed he has things he feels he can tell you directly when you connect, but I know sometimes we don’t trust ourselves so here I was asking what I could relay to you.
Jasper to Leigh: Thank you for your love, care, respect: respecting who I am and what I wanted to do: be free – come and go, experience “human” love as well as being free and wild.
Leigh was a brief but “rich” part of my experience in this body, this lifetime.
Note from Sue: He is not minimizing your experience with him but rather emphasizing how large his total experience was in his most recent body. He is also saying he felt your connection/experience together, although brief was very rich, full, deep.
Jasper to Leigh:The “thread” does not need to be broken – it continues regardless of where I am and where she is; no matter what form we are in – in spirit or in body – it doesn’t matter.

Jasper: At peace, traveling in the Spirit

Sue: Can you tell me what you mean by “thread”?
Jasper: Our heart connection, love, awareness of our being, our spirit/life force. We remain, we are, regardless of form.

Sue: Leigh misses you very much and feels sad…what would you say to her to help?
Jasper: Leigh, you know we go on. Use your “knowing” to help. We touch each other, then we pass: either move on in spirit form, or even just move on in physical form sometimes. But the time when we make that connection, the time when we touch each other’s soul, that is the essence of our time together. I am glad I had that time with you and with John.

Sue: Do you have any messages for John?
Jasper to John: A deep, rich, complex soul
Note from Sue: Here he is describing how he saw John.
Jasper to John: I had to wait to reach the tender places in his heart, but I did and I thank him for opening up to me and sharing those special places with me.
Note from Sue: I had the sense John was able to set aside all else on him mind at times and experience that connection with Jasper.

Sue: Are you OK?
Jasper: Oh, yes. This life was a bit shorter than I planned, but the “unexpected” can happen.

Sue: Can you tell me what you are doing now?
Jasper: “Experimenting” in this form.

Sue: Is this the first time you have been in spirit form?
Jasper: Oh, no, but it is the first time I have gone from cat to spirit.
Note from Sue: I had the sense he is sort of coming back to himself; growing beyond what he can be in a cat body, taking on more aspects than he could have in a cat body. I had the sense these aspects go beyond what a physical body/intellect can understand/comprehend.

Sue: Do you plan to reincarnate?
I don’t know yet. I need to regain my “fullness” then decide what I want to learn, experience and achieve next.

Sue: Do you feel you would ever reincarnate/come back to Leigh in a physical body?
Jasper: I don’t think so. I experienced being with her; her spirit, so next time I will choose someone/something else. That is me. I am not tied to any one person/place/form. I wish to experience as much as I can through many life times, many forms.

Sue: Is there anything else you want to tell me?
Jasper: Yes, a “message” for Holly: Thank you, too, for your love and care and understanding my needs, my choices, my desires to be free and able to choose who I wanted to “approach” and trust.

"Friendship Between Leigh and Jasper" painted by my Goddaughter in Argentina, Jesus Maria, (age 7)
“Friendship Between Leigh and Jasper” painted by my Goddaughter in Argentina, Jesus Maria, (age 7)

Note from Sue: I had the sense she did not force herself on him but let him decide, and he said: Yes!
Image from Jasper: Jasper with wings, flying
Jasper: Yes, it is a wonderful feeling.

Sue: Do you visit Leigh?
Jasper: I am not hovering around our home. But she can reach out for me anytime; I will be there.

Sue: Is there anything else?
Note from Sue: He sent strong feelings of gratitude and love to Leigh.

Sue Erwin | Certified Professional Animal Communicator | West Grove, Pennsylvania, USA | 540-319-1717
Consulting Associate – The Gurney Institute of Animal Communication

Christmas Dawn, 2016


I am looking at the rising light of this sacred day and embracing the Silence. This moment is God’s moment. Regardless of any circumstance, I have the freedom to call for God, to call for my God Self to be present. The Peace that immediately responds to my call has sound within it. It is sound that softly expands as I listen to it.

I am looking at the clouds gently move, seemingly in harmony with the the sound within me that is now all around me. What my eyes are seeing are the soft billowy light of grays, white, clean blue and pink and the lavender of clouds. They are dancing with this inner sound. I am looking at God’s Art and listening to God’s symphony at the same time.

All the rest of me is in quiet attendance to this Presence as my Soul is expanding into itself . Into this eternal now. It is all mine.

It is All me. It is unfettered. Free.

I am cage free.



I Love Wolves

w2In 2010, John and I were in Santa Fe, a place that is a Mecca of joy for me. We were window shopping. I was sharing with him some of my years living in Santa Fe in the early 70’s and the wonderful characters I had surrounded myself with back then: artists of all sorts, healers, hippies, cowboys, mystics, Native American Medicine Men, carpenters, writers, some ex-convicts, ranchers, and so on. I was having the blessing of being able to show John the sites of actual events in my life.

I love wolves. We passed a store of Native American art and I noted several pictures focusing on the wolf. I had to go in and so we did. The man in the store was the artist himself, Daniel Valdes. I loved his native art, especially of the animals, and most especially the wolf. Daniel was taken with my energy and enthusiasm for his work, along with my curiosity and interest in him. John was looking around the store and of course was holding the energy field as Traveler. Daniel and I continued to share and it became clear that what was really going on between us was the sharing of Soul energy and re-union.


Daniel told me he himself held a role as a Native American mystic, and he spoke to me specifically of the Raven and his profound relationship with this energy. I then shared my own life long appreciation for the Raven. He asked me, “Do you know your ‘animal’ or ‘spirit animals’?” He commented that I had a gifted sensitivity to natural life and the animal spirit. I said I did not know my animals, or my spirit animals. I bought several paintings of wolves and we all hugged and said we would see each other again.

I did not go to Santa Fe the following year. John called me on his last morning there, and I asked him to please go by and give my love to Daniel. As I was speaking to John, I was looking at the picture of the wolf that Daniel had painted. Shortly John called me back, and told me that the store was closed due to Daniel’s passing away a few days before. He had passed away while John had been in Santa Fe. I was deeply affected, shocked and unable to speak. I had been feeling so happily connected to him, and so eager to hear how he was.

John spoke a blessing of the Light for Daniel. I then sat down to do my spiritual exercises and to pray for him, allowing myself to feel the tenderness in my heart, and the loss… and suddenly Daniel came utterly present. It was temporarily unnerving as I had no expectation of such an experience. His presence was as a palpable cloud of his spirit all around me, and it was soothing and honoring of me as his friend and sister. I let myself take it in and relax and shortly I was out of my body. I had a remarkable and potent lucid dream. I was aware that Daniel was somehow orchestrating this dream. He was unseen but present within it.


I came into union with various totems that have a deep bond with me on some level of awareness…all appearing to me as living animals. I had the experience of walking in a forested and spacious landscape. A magnificent grey and white wolf appeared to my right and moved into natural step beside me. Proud, wild and protective, he was assured and committed that he walked beside me always. We understood this with no question. My right arm comfortably dropped to him and I lightly cupped his neck with my hand. The mantle of his coat felt thick and rough. We were in an effortless communion and both of us knew we were the stronger for each other.

To my left side appeared a female deer. Her fur and markings emitted a golden warmth that I could feel enter into me as she moved beside me. The warmth bathed me and comforted me. She was indefinably lovely and graceful, yet her muscles were supple and very strong. With awareness she tripped lightly on her feet in perfect rhythm with my step. Her eyes were the gift. They were rich and soft eyes that fixed on me with a penetrating tenderness. She was inviting me into the knowingness of the love we shared.

Next, a bald eagle landed on my head, his talons fixed comfortably like a secure solid band on the top of my head. His wings were fully spread and his fierce eyes, black and piercing, were in sharp and acute perception of all that was around us. He was poised to take care of any intruder approaching with anything less than love. Focused allegiance with my heart was all he knew and nothing else. My aegis, my shield and my sword.

Walking close behind me was a fully grown male lion. He carefully measured his distance to me with an eye to my safety. His head would shake with his sound, and a visceral, tensile and shameless power moved through him with every step. His motions expressed a tough nobility in the midst of his male grace. My back still feels the heat of his breath that blew forth with his unlimited and undying loving for me. This lionine presence thrived in unquestioned loyalty.

At some distance before me in awkward stance on two legs, walked a very large bear mantled in brilliant, luxurious black and brown fur. He walked intently, proudly going ahead before us all, doing his job and making sure it was heralded and safe.

Daniel’s energy and presence then lifted from the experience.

Still dreaming, there was now an addendum to these earth animals and their powerful alignment with me. A baby lamb was placed into my arms by Spirit. This transcendental innocence and sweetness and delectable softness snuggled to my heart and rested within me in total trust. My heart was enveloped with Spirit’s loving.

Daniel bestowed his gift to me. It is a gift of safety and protection that is real for me to this day. I easily feel the infusion of these beautiful creatures and their qualities. We are all deeply in love with each other. Each animal being is my beloved and an aspect of my own loving. I am beloved to them. We move harmoniously as Family, all One. Thank you dear friend, my Raven friend Daniel. Thank you.


Enjoy More Wolf Love

Energy Healing Wolf
This Wolf Symphony is Hauntingly Beautiful
How An Unexpected Friendship With A Wolf Transformed A Whole Town




I seem to have a unique relationship with fire.
I burn water.
I burn toast.
I burn food.
I have exploded an oven in my face the night before my opening as the lead in an Off Broadway play.
I often leave candles burning.
I manage to set off fire alarms.
I often forget to turn off the oven and the stove.
There have been more than a few steaks burning in flaming infernos.
I love candles and looking into the flame for the little man.

I don’t know why but none of this disturbs me. Perhaps Zarathustra is blessing me with the Fires of Purification.


When I was 9 I blew up an oven in my face looking for the match while the gas was on. It was a Saturday morning in East Rochester, New York. My parents slept in on Saturday morning, trusting that I was happily listening to my special children’s programs on weekend radio, attended always by my beloved parakeet “Keepie,” with my delicious can of cold spinach for breakfast. I adored my parents and on this morning I thought it would be romantic to cook something for them as a surprise breakfast in bed. I cannot remember what it was I wanted to make for them, but it required an oven. I remember seeing my mother turn on the oven, but couldn’t remember if the gas went on first and then the match, or light the match and turn on the gas. It seemed more sensible to turn on the gas and light the match. Less awkward. So I did. I turned it on and looked for the matches. I found them, lit one, and BOOM. A searing sharp warmth engulfed my face. Then it was over and I was frozen for a moment while taking quick account that this was serious, and considering whether or not my parents had heard the boom. They had not. I was not in pain. I went to the bathroom mirror and saw that I was in some trouble. My front hair was grey and singed, my eyebrows were grey and singed to the root. My eyelashes were but a fluff of grey, otherwise I was remarkably unharmed, just very pink and warm. I considered my options, and went for the scissors. I cut my front hair carefully, removing the evidence. I cut my eyebrows as close to my skin as I could, and cut my eyelashes to my lid. For some reason obscure to me now, I thought I looked just fine and I had escaped detection. I looked like a plucked chicken.

It is odd and perhaps revealing that until my parents were sitting next to me in the car later that morning, that my mother noticed, heartily screamed and asked, “What have you done to yourself!”


A Golden Thread Shining in the Fabric of This Life of Mine



I was sitting and reading in the lounge lobby of my hotel in Madrid, Spain. It was 1969. I was 23. The corner I had found gave me an open view of the lobby, and the comings and goings of people as I sat enveloped in a red velvet chair. I was reading Jung: MEMORIES, DREAMS AND REFLECTIONS. I was in heaven as I usually was when I was reading, and I was feeling content from a busy day of fittings for my next film, THE HORSEMEN, including a fitting for my new gold nose ring. It was English tea time. I felt I had created a field around me that said No Visitors, as I adored immersing myself in reading, drinking a lovely tea, and observing life around me without any intrusions of human interaction. A woman approached my haven. Before I could react, she was instantly compelling to my artist’s eye. She had glistening thick silver snow hair, flawless translucent skin with natural rose pink cheeks and clear turquoise eyes. She was short, slightly rounded and utterly radiated warmth and electric vitality. She was wearing black, simple and elegant, highlighted by the most magnificent American Indian turquoise necklace. Of course it matched her eyes. I could not even determine her age as she was so remarkably alive. I took all of this in within an instant, as I was equally negotiating that I wanted privacy please.


With an enchanting smile and no concern for her having intruded upon my precious space, she said, “What are you reading?” “Jung” I said, not knowing why I offered her up my book. “May I sit down?”. Oh dear I thought. “Yes, of course,” I said.

Within seconds, or so it seemed, I was in love. We began a pithy and effortless communion. Scarcely moving, highly alert, we were excited in our sharing of books, philosophers and Spirit. Our conversation was as if we were one person divided into two women making a new whole. It was seamless joy. I was starved for this sort of engagement and I felt I was with my best friend and that we had been so forever. It was a warmth of being increased somehow, as she was filling my cup to overflowing.

Sanora Babb was her artist’s name. She was Sanora Wong Howe as wife and partner. Sanora was a writer, a poet, and well published. Apart from being the wife of one of the film industry’s greatest cinematographers, James Wong Howe, she had spent her life amongst the aristocracy of the world’s finest writers, philosophers, artists, and scientists. She was a Muse as well. Hemingway, Saroyan, Maxwell Perkins, Steinbeck, Diego Rivera, Frida Kieho, Einstein and more, had been her friends and compatriots, and lovers.

I was a 23 year old actress starring in a film with her husband as my Director of Photography, and she was 60, an artist intellectual with a spirit like fresh breezes. She was my inner life made manifest in a friend. I was instantly less lonely. The promise of our future friendship was secured this day. If we had cut our fingers and mixed our blood speaking some childish poem of eternal loyalty it would not have been strange.

We both lived in Los Angeles. As the years progressed she deeply understood who I was in so many dimensions unknown by others, and I understood her. We had no age difference. We were just free, unfettered, and utterly outspoken and vulnerable. I gave her the key to my heart with abandon, and she gave me her heart with no frills.

She remained a golden thread shining in the fabric of this life of mine. True Wealth.

She passed at 99.
I was close with her in her dying process as she slowly let go of this world. In great spiritual intimacy, I ministered her into her next adventure, and she blessed me into the remaining chapters of my life. She is with me now, and I know she heartily approves of my choices and is glad. Fiercely however, she would be wanting more of me to be expressing creatively. We are both Artists still, passionate, loving and free .

Some of her amazing books:
An Owl on Every Post
The Lost Traveler
Whose Names are Unknown


Learn More About Sanora Babb

The Healing of a Broken Circle


I remember being 25. I remember Ryan sitting cross legged on the left side of the bed in his old brown plaid robe rolling a joint. It was early morning at our home on Anita Drive and I was dressed for my jazz dance class. My body was eager and alive with an electricity in every cell anticipating moving to joyful dance and music. Even the long drive on this bright Saturday morning to the class seemed thrilling in my new fast Radford Mini. I felt joy. But first I laid out the architectural plans of the new house I was designing for us at the beach. I was excited with the surprise I had for Ryan. With the architect, I had designed a racquet ball court for him. I got on my knees at the foot of the bed and spread the drawings out. I was immersed, happily pointing out the details in this new design, and Ryan suddenly said, “You aren’t going to want to live with me there.” I remember I looked up smiling. I could only register there must be something not quite right in the drawings and this was just an odd way of saying it. I digested his face. My whole body seemed to have a sudden intelligent awareness, and my energy began to drain into a slowing dullness. I was confused. I asked simply, “Why not?” I remember vaguely feeling that I was at the edge of an internal cliff and that I might suddenly and unexpectedly be pushed off. Time seemed slower. The light at the edges of the room were dimming. At the very same time, there was a narrowing focus and heightened awareness. All in a micro-instant.

“Because,” he said, “I have a mistress.”

My system froze. My heart rate took on a life of its own. Without any effort I was processing a worst terror come true. It was the oddest thing for even as my body went into a strange adaptation, I was taking in the one who I loved so deeply, who was part of the fabric of my heart and so familiar. Everything was so familiar but I knew that a surgery without anesthetic had just been performed, and now all was going to change. A stillness came upon me. It was a river of calm and it was warm and strong. Unexpected.

I said, “Would you tell me who it is?”

He paused, hesitant, “I don’t think so. It will blow your mind.”

“Well, I think my mind is already blown. I would be grateful to know.” I was aware my voice was not compromising my love for him. It was sweet and calm and open, with no judgement or reaction. You must keep your wits about you in a Tsunami.

“It’s Barbra Streisand.”

“Barbra Streisand?!!!!!!! WOW.” I said.

I adored her. She was the one and only Icon I allowed myself to adore. The conversation took on a new dimension. In this moment my Heart Self was stepping on a thin wire, high above vastly tall buildings in my ballet shoes, no net, delicately balancing myself so as not to fall. I focused my eyes on him to steady myself, the “him” that was the anchor of my affection, my loyalty, my “security’’. I saw now only a lost boy. Beyond my pain and my fear, my love and compassion for him rose up instinctively inside of me. I moved up onto the bed and came close into him. I reached out, cupped his cheek, looked into his eyes saying softly, “What are you doing, baby?”

He began to cry and said, “I don’t know.”

IN 2000, and 2001 I had very difficult years, actually they were devastating and in retrospect, utterly transformational to the good. At another time, I will fill in the events of this time that led to my being without money, no stable home base, ill, with limited strength and no seeming light at the end of any tunnel.

Five days after 9/11, I had a counseling with John Morton who is the spiritual director of my church, a wondrous man, counselor and my friend. I shared some of the conditions of my life and my confusion at how to handle my everyday responsibilities in order to survive with no job or health. I shared with him that I had been evicted from my home and through the grace of a good friend had been able to rent a small house that I loved and hoped to keep as a place to stabilize myself for more healing. The rent was due in a few days and I had no resources and was deeply confused and felt paralyzed as to what to do. John was thoughtful and suggested that I needed to ask for help. This idea was foreign to me. In fact, it was terrifying. He went on to say that “asking” was not my strong suit and needed to be developed. He said that there were people in my life who needed to give to me to balance their own imbalance with me, and if I did not ask them to help me, they could not fulfill their debt. I would be giving them an opportunity to come into greater balance with themselves. Wow, this was such a smart illumination in my awareness of another possible dynamic in “asking.” I listened to my beloved friend John and took the information he shared to heart.

As I was driving home thinking of the session, I was very aware of the rent being due in two days. Who could I possibly ask? I did not like this. There were no ideas in my conscious mind. I then heard in my right ear, “Ask Ryan O’Neal.” In shock, I reactively turned to the right and said loudly, “Absolutely not!” The “voice” was relentless, and patiently repetitive. “Ask Ryan O’Neal.” I did my best over the next two days to ignore the message. And the more I ignored it, the more disturbed I was becoming. It did not go away.

In the late afternoon of the day before my rent was due, I finally picked up the phone, my heart beating miserably loud, and I called Ryan. The relief I felt when I realized it was a machine, was quickly matched with panic about leaving a message at the sound of the tone. I sort of mumbled and barely alluded to what I would ask of him, then I hung up. Done. Relief. I was sure that was enough. It was embarrassing and it was done and I was letting go. Melting into my inevitable coming crisis, I felt like Scarlet O’Hara…tomorrow was another day. I went to bed early, immersing myself in pillows and comfort and my cats to be with God. I was more at ease asking something of God.

At 3am the phone rang. I answered and a voice said, “It’s Ryan.” Half asleep, I spilled the beans. I told him everything that had happened and what I needed and if… perhaps, would he possibly consider … assisting me? In answer to his few questions, I awkwardly shared my monthly nut and financial obligations, and told him that I had no money to pay them. There was a slight pause, and he said, “Go to my office tomorrow morning at 9am and there will be a check for you for all of your expenses.” I was shocked because it was a graceful experience with no sharp edges, no demand for when he wanted it back … in fact he told me to forget about that, and if I needed it again the next month, to call him. And then some Ryan humor I don’t remember, and a kind goodbye.

For almost one year, until my health was strong, Ryan helped me. At one point he said to me, “Thank you, Leigh, for asking me to help you…I owed you and did not know what to do about it.”

The healing of broken circles back to wholeness is what my inner life guides me to do. My experience with Ryan was just that, the healing of a life circle. My courage in asking for help, which in turn invited Ryan’s generosity, changed that moment of my life to greater good. What came from this greater good is a clean slate that is bright today in my friendship with Ryan. And he continues to extend his generosity to our two beautiful granddaughters.

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I share this very personal story because I live my life aspiring to be grateful, to forgive, to love, to accept and to understand others even when situations or circumstances have sometimes hurt me. Back in 1970 when my heart felt as if it was broken, I was a young woman who really needed to move on in order to grow. Ryan’s choices became just the catalyst, and the blessing I needed to move on, leading me ever more profoundly into my Spiritual journey. I was already learning that loving is an inside job, and not based on whether someone else loves you, or not, the way you would like. These lessons are not always easy and I am still learning.

Oh, by the way, remember John Morton, that wondrous man, counselor, and friend I mentioned? I married him in 2013!

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Read More – LTY Marries John Morton – A Blessed New Day

I Am Aware That My Heart Longs to Write for My Life

I am aware that my heart longs to write for my life.

I ask now for the Muse of the Christ Spirit, my True Beloved to infuse my Being with Presence and inspiration, however it looks.  I am aware that something will fill the cup, the seemingly empty cup of now.

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John-Roger a love story, comes to mind.  Also known as JR.  How one remarkable being can define a person’s whole life.  For some it has been family, or a career or a child, or an event.  For me, my life has been the most truly defined by Love and this man, John-Roger.  I first met him when I was 27.  In retrospect, I was lost.  The kind of lost where you are sort of doing fine, here and there, but arriving nowhere that really fulfills.  Still, I was vitally searching for something that kept pulling me towards the unseen, towards mystery.  I had always had a feeling for the unseen since I was a very small child.  It was in my hard wiring.  Angels were not strange to me, or soft hidden sounds, whispers of Presence.  I reveled in silence as it was full of company.  I could not see anyone but it was a feeling of such satisfaction and joy and safety.   I still feel most comfortable in silence.

I want to rage my wings wide and set myself free.  I AM!

Learn More About John-Roger